Fiction

 

"A rip-roaring read ... Fantastically earthy, often laugh out loud ... Pulls back the covers on the U.K. music biz with the ghoulish glee of small boys yanking the wings off flies." — Natalie Irene Wood, Alwayswriteagain


"Spinal Tap meets Tony Parsons with a dash of Mancunian swagger ... A fun, entertaining read and will leave you with a smile on your face." — Ian Barker, author of One Hot Summer


Ever wanted to be a rock star? Danny did, and was, back when his Britpop band Diamond Head Crater scraped into the Top 10 over a decade ago. Since the band split-up he's lived a very ordinary life, as have the other band members – the drummer works as a fishmonger, the lead guitar player is disabled following a bike accident, the singer is a career recidivist, and Danny himself is training to be an accountant.


Danny's foundations are rocked when a fan email arrives – proving if nothing else that the band still has fans. Could now be the time to put Diamond Head Crater back on the road? Will Danny's relationship with girlfriend Jane survive the ups and downs of 21st century fame? And is the band ever going to be a realistic possibility with volatile singer Stripehead in front of the mic, and their cannabis-farming, peer-of-the-realm manager rewriting the Simon Cowell rulebook?


Within a few months the band goes from appearing in grotty Manchester pubs and being a laughing stock on YouTube to headlining at the Albert Hall in front of 20 million TV viewers... But things are about to go spectacularly and comically wrong.



The Second Coming of Diamond Head Crater is a novel from Keir Nathan Thomas, an award-winning and best-selling author.


It’s currently available as a FREE download on virtually every popular eReader. Take a look!


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About the author:


Keir Thomas is an award-winning magazine journalist and best-selling Kindle author. His books have been read by over a million people worldwide and translated into many foreign languages. He lives in Manchester and runs a poetry publishing press as a hobby.
 

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Glossary of terms for American readers


The Second Coming of Diamond Head Crater has proved unexpectedly popular several thousand miles away from where it’s set. Here are some clues to help American readers understand uniquely British language, most of which is slang and – it should be noted – is considered offensive:


Bollocks: Literally testicles, but used to indicate something is not wanted or has no worth: “That’s a load of bollocks” – that’s not very good. Can also protest that somebody’s lying: “You’re talking bollocks.”

Chippy: Fast food outlet that sells french fries and fried battered fish, amongst other things. A fish and chip shop.

Knob/knobhead: Knob is slang for penis, and therefore knobhead is another version of dickhead. Somebody can also be “a knob” – they’re a dick.

Mad: Outside of the typical context it means “extremely”. Typically used in the phrase “mad for it”, indicating joie de vivre – a.k.a an individual is up for it.

Manc/Mancunian: Somebody or something originating in Manchester. From the Roman name for Manchester: Mancunium.

Mental: Crazy, as in, “he’s just mental”. That is, somebody who is extreme in behavior to the extent it suggests they have mental health issues. Less of an affectation than the US understanding of “crazy” and perhaps indicating genuine personality issues.

Proper/properly: Used out of typical context it means “very” or “definitively”: “he’s a properly good singer

Quid: A pound sterling, the unit of currency in the UK akin to a dollar elsewhere. “Lend me ten quid” is another way of saying “lend me £10”. “A few quid” = a negligible amount of money.

Spliff: Cannabis cigarette, usually hand-rolled. A joint.

Twat: Literally female genitalia, but used to indicate a less than reputable individual (“He’s a complete twat.”) Also means to hit something, and particularly “twatting” – “You’ve got to stop twatting people who upset you.

Trade: Vocation/job.

Queer: Very offensive term for a gay person and as such sometimes embraced by the gay community.

Wanker: Literally somebody who masturbates (“he was up all night wanking”), but used to indicate a less than reputable individual – “he’s a wanker”.


Cultural reference cheat sheet


ASBO: Antisocial Behavior Order (ASBO); a form of punishment passed out by a judge that prohibits an individual from doing something or going somewhere. Typically given in response to bad behavior that threatens others.

BBC: The British Broadcasting Corporation. The nation’s public broadcaster, and also the biggest in the world.

Britpop: Typically guitar-driven rock music that was identified as a movement around 1997 when New Labour were elected to run the country.

Caravanette: Winnebago, although necessarily smaller for British/European roads.

Indie: Music from independent record labels but typically a catch-all term for guitar-driven rock of a certain less pompous, more intellectual style.

Joy Division: Seminal post-Punk Mancunian band from the late 1970s that ended when the lead singer took his own life. The remaining members formed New Order.

Johnny Roadhouse: Longstanding second-hand musical instrument and equipment shop Oxford Road in Manchester. You’re not a bona fide musician in Manchester unless you’ve been ripped off at Johnny Roadhouse.

Manchester: Large city in the north of England, UK. Famous for the Madchester music scene in the 1990s, and for producing a disproportionately high number of successful rock bands and singers in recent decades. Arguably the cultural capital of England.

Madchester: Period during the 1990s in Manchester in which several legendary bands rose to the fore (see “mad” above). Overlapped with the later countrywide Britpop movement.

National Trust: Public body overseeing historic buildings and land, which typically are opened to the public. Throughout the 20th century most formerly privately owned stately homes came into the National Trust ownership, often against their owners’ wishes but because the owners had no choice after they couldn’t afford taxes. Previously these buildings had been owned by their families for hundreds of years.

Strangeways: Prison in Manchester, infamous for its harsh conditions and a riot that broke out in the late 1980s.

Stockport: Suburb of Manchester. Voted the crappiest town in the country by its residents and as such a national joke for many people.

Tagged: Punishment by a judge involving being limited to your own home for most of the day, with this enforced via a small electronic box (a tag) that is attached to your ankle and that literally calls the authorities if you leave the property.

The Stone Roses: Seminal Mancunian band that split in 1995. The name of one of their albums provides the title for the novel.

Wythenshawe: Working class town in Manchester, home to the biggest social housing scheme in Europe.